As human beings, we’re born with an array
of physical and mental tools which work both individually and as one to make
communication, in theory, far easier for us than for any animal.
Unlike cats - who have to skip at least six meals and approach
starvation before communicating that it’s time to switch from Top Cat to
Whiskers – we can simply ask mom for stir fry instead of curry if the latter
has become a bit humdrum.
Beyond this, we’ve got complex and detailed facial expressions to
communicate moods and mouths to speak our minds. We’ve got pens, laptops,
tablets and mobile phones to write down what we can’t verbalize. For goodness
sakes, we even communicate involuntarily, when we’d rather not, through body
language.
With all these means of communicating at our disposal, why do we
still find it so impossibly hard to say what we need to? I’ve suffered through
these imaginary communication barriers myself, and often to my detriment. There
are still things I wish I could say to certain people today that I haven’t been
able to.
But as I grow older, it’s communicating the smaller trials and
tribulations of life that I’ve tried to focus on. It makes life so much more
fulfilling when we do. It’s about being… honest.
I’ve read a fair amount of articles about the elderly on their deathbeds, most of whom speak candidly about their regrets, and near or at the top of the list is not doing or saying what they wanted when they had the opportunity. Instead, we convince ourselves that others can read our minds. Or, we’re selfish enough to forgo honesty at the expense of someone else’s wild, worried and overactive imagination, when a few words could have allowed this someone else to find peace.
Time really does speed up as we age, and there simply isn’t time to
hint, beat around the bush or avoid the challenges we face. I believe that when
we find peace with ourselves, and when we come to see what it is that we really
want out of life, communication becomes easier. We’re able to say yes and no
when needed, and we’re even able to express the more difficult stuff because we
have the clarity of mind to do so.
But here’s the thing: even in times of uncertainty, when we’re
unsure of what our hearts want or what our minds say we should have, there is
room for communication. Uncertainty itself is an emotion, and we’re often stuck
in a space of immense uncertainty. It’s a space where communication really
breaks down, because people are so reluctant to say what’s on their minds if,
emotionally, they’re being pulled in more than one direction.
I’ve been hurt badly by others who haven’t communicated - several
times this year, in fact. And what hurts so much more than a possible
rejection, an ugly truth, a change of heart or an unforeseen obstacle in
relationships and friendships is the not
knowing. Not knowing is an absolute killer.
I’ll end off with a few valuable lessons in communication I’ve
learnt:
- Don’t ever think you can will a difficult situation into dissipating
- The truth, while hurtful, is often less damaging than leaving someone else to connect the dots, a painful process that can continue long after the two of you have physically parted ways
- Don’t be a coward – you owe it to your friend or partner to be open and honest and by running away, you disqualify yourself from the right to even call yourself a friend
We’re surrounded by all the tools we need to communicate. We’re even born
with some of them. So let’s use them to the best of our abilities.
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