8 Things I'll (Hopefully) Never Do Again

It’s been some time since I’ve written anything.

And to be honest, I feel pretty empty when I don’t have the time, energy or motivation to put words onto sheets of paper.

It’s been a mightily taxing week – a promotion at work brought with it new, and exciting challenges. But I almost forgot that the job I have, while important, isn’t as crucial as so many other aspects of my life.

A wonderful evening with family a few nights ago was just the ‘centering’ I needed after a whirlwind couple of days, and it got me thinking – one of the ultimate blessings that accompany growing older is being able to make better decisions based on past mistakes.

I’ve read a ton of quotes along the lines of ‘mistakes are building blocks to success’ blah blah blah. They annoyed me to no end because, for the most part, mistakes felt like nothing more than mistakes – they were stupid, unnecessary, misguided and put me several steps back from the point I had gotten to. Basically, I saw no benefit in them.

But more and more, I am realizing that these mistakes and/or periods of misguided lifestyles and decision-making are prepping all of us for a much happier future. It sucks significantly that it takes years of trial and error to figure it all out, and I know I have many more mistakes to make, but I believe the end result will make for a happier ME.

Here are eight daft things I’ll hopefully never do again:

WAIT… FOR MY DEEPEST DESIRES TO JUST FALL INTO PLACE

It simply doesn’t happen. You don’t just end up in your own apartment, find yourself in a foreign country or cruise around town in the type of car you’ve always admired. You actually need to throw caution (and depressingly, some money) to the wind and make it happen.

EAT… A MCDONALD’S BEEF BURGER

The double quarter pounder used to be my go-to meal on the way home from a club. Then, suddenly, one day I realised it was revolting: this weird juice bursts out of it when you bite it, the cheese is an abnormally rich layer of yellow plastic and Jamie Oliver showed us how the thing is made.

(It also helps that most of the time, the thought of clubbing leaves me feeling bilious, eliminating the need for these late-night binges.)

WASTE… HOURS OF MY LIFE IN TRAFFIC

I genuinely feel like I’ve been a much happier, healthier person since I moved out of home, not because I’ve been stuffing my face with carrots and cauliflower, but because I no longer spend two hours of my day in a car. Yes, it can be very problematic or even impossible for a family to move to an area close enough to work, where traffic would be minimal. But if you can do it, don’t hesitate – your body and mind will be ever so grateful.

FORGET… TO BACK UP THE DATA ON MY LAPTOP

One would think I’d have learnt my lesson when my laptop crashed about four years ago. But it took a second crash for me to take the time out to back up my data.

It’s kind of sad that our emotions can be so immeasurably affected by a non-functioning, non-living concoction of plastic and metal, but that’s the way it is in 2014 and the best thing we can all do is prepare for the worst.

NEGLECT… MY HEALTH

I once read somewhere that “youth is wasted on the youth” and it’s equally true when it comes to the state of our bodies. There we are, at 19 or 20, snacking on fried chicken at 3am after a hard night of partying (i.e. drinking) – exercise only comes in the form of running to a lecture that we’re late for and getting enough sleep is way down on the list of priorities.

It’s profound to see the changed perspective when it comes to my health and those of my peers, now that 30 is within sight for us. But often, we’re a bit too late; years of neglect leaves many of us looking and feeling sluggish and with all kinds of health issues, like digestive disorders. These don’t occur by chance – they’re the result of youthful ignorance.

Today, I am two months into a type of fitness class that I would have scoffed at just a year ago, and I actually spend money on vegetables now.

I still have a long way to go before I can call myself ‘healthy’ with complete confidence, but I’ve started the process of enhanced consciousness and once you do, the improvements are easy to see and feel.

TRY… TO KEEP A DIARY

I always admire the people who walk around with their leather-bound diaries and Parker Pens, ready to jot down anything important whenever it’s required – it communicates organisation, class and authenticity.

But for someone that enjoys writing, I am completely incapable of keeping a diary. The first day always goes well… until I misplace my pen, forget the diary on the kitchen counter or keep it with me and forget that the thing exists in the first place.

I blame the digital world. Between emails, inbox messages, cell phone reminders and the fuzzy mental notes blowing around in my head, a diary is just too methodical.

ALLOW… MYSELF TO BE WALKED OVER BY LOUDER, BIGGER, BRASHER PEOPLE

I did this throughout school, pretty much. And why wouldn’t I? After all, standing up to people who took joy out of exploiting my smaller frame and milder demeanour would likely only have resulted in me being beaten up. What’s more maddening is that I continued to allow this to happen for some time after high school.

While I still wouldn’t initiate anything resembling a physical fight right now (who the hell has time for that, seriously?), the days of anyone speaking down to me are long gone. Unfortunately for them, I respect myself too much and know too much about the world to allow that to happen. Whether inside or outside of a professional environment, it’s unbelievably rewarding to find that fewer and fewer people are intimidating to me.

FORGET… TO TAKE THINGS ONE DAY AT A TIME

#1DayAtATime – it’s a little chant I carry around in my head with me every day as of a week or two ago. It’s given me strength and motivated me to do better. We simply can’t live in the future and obsess over what we need to do within a month or a year. That is a crazy, toxic way to live.

What we can and must do is make the most of each day. The reason we need sleep after about sixteen hours of waking up is because it is the natural cycle of our physical bodies – likewise, our minds can’t be expected to deal with the burdens of months of to-do lists. By all means, throw yourself into a new day 100%, but resist the temptation to group all your tasks as an encyclopaedia-sized list which must be conquered NOW! Guess what? You can’t finish that entire jar of Yum-Yum ultra creamy peanut butter by dumping it onto a single slice of bread. You will most certainly vomit. But, give yourself a few weeks, spread it all out a bit more evenly, and it will be done.

That’s about it for tonight’s tirade. Goodness knows how much longer this list is going to get in the future – but the longer it is, the easier the path to sustained happiness will be.

DAY 27: THE RETROSPECTIVE BUCKET LIST

I used to hate bucket lists. I used to think they represented all of the things I’d never get to do, all the places I’d never get to see and a life that I’d never get to live.

Yes, I had a pretty powerful propensity for negativity… But once you come to realize that it’s a blessing to have goals to aim for in life, you’ll realize that never will you be left without something to do. And as much as doing nothing sounds wonderful, it only lasts for about two weeks into our annual leave before we become restless – well, at least I become restless.

But rather than list the things still on my bucket list, as we tend to do, I thought I’d look at some of the things that I’ve already crossed off the list without even realising it.

Some of these bucket list entries may seem ordinary, but achieving them – or getting to do them – has made for some of my happiest moments. 

Introducing The Retrospective Bucket list of Karl Ryan Furlong:

MOVING INTO MY OWN APARTMENT

I genuinely had a few years when I wondered if this would ever happen for me. I waited and waited and waited, but either I couldn’t sustain myself, by myself, or I didn’t have the guts to finally make the move. I still wake up on some mornings and look around my little apartment in disbelief – the feeling to have finally gotten to this point and having worked rather hard for it has been hugely rewarding.

DRIVING A REALLY POWERFUL, REALLY WILD CAR

I’ve driven a BMW 335i and a Mercedes-Benz SLK350, and both experiences left me giggling like a complete freak. The feeling of driving a powerful car that actually responds when you put pedal to the metal is an unbelievable adrenalin rush.

But even driving those two fine Germans didn’t compare to taking a V8 AC Cobra Replica to the top of Signal Hill. It was a car that shook and vibrated like every coloured person does when trying to swim at Camps Bay.

It sounded evil.

And I’m sure that on about three of those twisty bends, the car actually tried to kill me – but what a way it would have been to go.

WATCHING VENUS & SERENA WILLIAMS PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER

I’ve woken up at all hours of the night to watch Venus and Serena compete for grand slam titles. For about 14 years, I’ve watched all their best moments and their most painful, too.

To see them up close in Johannesburg a few years ago was a truly surreal experience, because I was convinced it would never happen. I’ve always said that their rise to world no.1 and no.2 remains the greatest sports story ever, let alone the greatest story in tennis.

SEEING MY NAME IN A MAGAZINE

It was about 10pm, soon after I interned at CAR Magazine for a week or so. I was reading the latest issue of the magazine in bed, when I started reading this buzz article on a new car release that sounded eerily familiar.

That’s when I unexpectedly spotted my name at the bottom of the article, and realised that something I had written for the CAR website also made it into the magazine. I was speechless, and I’m not too sure if I slept that night.

GUEST-SPEAKING AT A BIG EVENT

I’ve only stopped rejecting opportunities to make speeches in the last two or three years. Now, I say ‘yes’ – it may be through gritted teeth and with clenched fists, but it’s a yes nevertheless.

Last year, I attended the Marketing To Kids And Teens conference with a colleague, on behalf of Hectic Nine-9, up in Johannesburg. We were two of about seven ‘industry experts’ sharing our knowledge of a younger target audience with others who marketed to this age group. It all took place in a large and scary-looking auditorium. We had microphones. There was a PowerPoint presentation. And it all ended with a Q&A session whereby we answered some challenging questions (without the luxury of a dark, quiet room which I could use to unhurriedly craft perfectly produced and confident responses, whilst sipping on some calming camomile tea – I know, I couldn’t believe it either!).

Anyway, I was a nervous wreck until halfway through our presentation, when I suddenly realised I was actually doing it, and my listeners were not pointing and laughing, but in fact… listening! It represents one of my proudest personal and professional moments.

There is great value and personal gratification to be found in looking behind and not in front of you, at least some of the time. After all, you are more defined by your cast-in-stone past than that magnificent, hyped-up future we all seem to envision.

Much like a favourite book, your life story is one that should be relished and reminisced about more than just once or twice – and without wildly jumping ahead and trying to fill in chapters that ultimately have yet to be written.

DAY 26: FRIENDS

I remember a time in my life when friendships were extremely hard work.

A failed friendship, or a breakdown in a particular friendship, was a personal failure as well. I derided and blamed myself badly when these breakdowns occurred, and often went to bed riddled with guilt and regret. On the other hand, when things were going well, they were going inexplicably well – happy friendships and relationships seemed to be all I needed to get by.

Ten years later, the dynamic has shifted considerably. As teenagers and even as very young adults, we’re such incomplete souls – we don’t really have a clue of what we want, so by default we go with the flow and follow the haphazard, hit-or-miss paths of our friends. We engage in activities we think we should, go to places we’re convinced we have to and even have entire conversations that we feel compelled to indulge in… until that beautiful, cathartic day when we begin doing and saying what we truly want to and what we truly believe in.

Sometimes, it’s a shift that takes you quite by surprise. Sometimes, it comes gradually. But there is a definite transformation that takes place where you’re no longer defined by the needs and wants of your friends, but by your own needs and wants (now that you can actually see them with clarity).

This transformation, universally known as growing up, will see you drifting away from friendships that previously seemed indestructible. It’s not to say that those you drift from have not grown up, but rather, you’ve both grown apart.

At the same time, you’ll find yourself attracting and being drawn to very different types of people, types that you probably would have disregarded because they didn’t fit your mould.

To go back to my point right at the start… friendships used to be hard work because I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted. I was working overtime at connections that fundamentally clashed with who I was. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I have all the answers now either, but I have a heightened sense of intuition that I trust. It lets me know when I’m happy and when I’m not. It lets me know when I’m being appreciated, listened to, comforted and invested in – and of course, when I willingly invest as well.

The end result of growing up and finding yourself is that you’re usually left with a treasured group of friends that truly listen when you speak (to me, it’s a priceless gift to have someone listen, and not just hear you). You’re comfortable enough to bicker with these friends with the knowledge that you still love one another when voices are no longer raised. You’re comfortable and secure enough to know that just because you haven’t seen one another for a little while, the connection is still as it should be.

Friendships do require work, effort and commitment. But hard, grinding, constant exertion? Nope. Insincerity? Scepticism? Definitely not.

Hallelujah to growing older, knowing what it is that you want and finding some incredible friends to share it all with.

DAY 25: WINTER IS RIDICULOUS

Winter is a ridiculous thing. It’s a season designed to show us how absolutely foolish we can look whilst doing the supposedly ordinary.

Like right now: it’s after 11pm and I just got home. First, I swore a few times under my breath as I walked from my car to my front door. Once I opened the door and discovered my apartment was virtually as icy as it was outside, I swore a little bit again.

Before getting into bed, I started doing my hair. Well, you’d think that by switching on my hairdryer, I started doing my hair – but nope, it was all about warming my bed up as quickly as possible to avoid the fifteen seconds of death that it takes for your bed to exit the ice age.

For a few moments, I appreciated that I lived alone and had nobody to witness this odd exercise, but I can’t say I’d care if I did have a witness. On full speed, at maximum heat, a hairdryer is gold.

In a couple of hours, I’ll need to wake up, and it will be awful. There will be the usual desperate and blind (because I won’t have my contacts in yet) search for the warm top I’ve put next to my bed. In winter, one does not simply get out of bed without getting at least partially dressed first – that would be heroic, to put it mildly.

Then, after finally getting up and standing, there will be more swearing (as you can tell, swearing is the common denominator from June to August).

The naked ‘dance’ outside the shower as the water refuses to warm up in anything under an hour is inevitable. Other simplicities that go unnoticed in summer become torture-filled in winter: rinsing your mouth with cold water, putting on spray, taking out the trash, having a glass of water and waiting by the basin like a freak before washing your hands so you can do so with warm water. That's without mentioning checking your washing for the sixth time in two days and wondering how on earth the only decent pair of jeans you have is still damp?

Then, eventually, after one last longing stare at your bed, you finally have to go outside for that treacherous walk to the car – or if you’re less spoilt than the rest of us, the bus stop.

I hate winter.

DAY 24: WHAT'S ON MY DESK/IN MY POCKET/IN MY CAR

Well, this was a rather odd one to write about.

After putting together a list of things I carry around with me (or keep in close proximity), I felt like the most boring person in the entire world. There’s nothing very quirky here, but I guess it comes down to my preference for an environment that isn’t cluttered.

In my pocket (when I go out):

• *Besides the usual smartphone, lip balm and wallet combination, I don’t carry anything else in pockets.

*Is there something else a guy should be carrying around with him that nobody has told me about?

In my car:

• Hand sanitizer (because everything we touch is germ-infested and gross, and one can never tell when you might find yourself with a burger in your hands, whilst on the road)
• A mini padlock (for gym visits)
• My tennis bag (obvious enough, I’d think)
• Me. I Am Mariah – The Elusive Chantuese (this CD hasn’t left my front loader since the album came out in May)
• The ugliest sheet in the whole world (I wrapped it around my jack/spanner/spare wheel, to prevent them from knocking around and rattling when I drive – car rattles = torture)
• Random tennis balls (I try, but I am never able to get all of them out of my car at one time)
• Two jackets (there’s very little that’s worse than being somewhere for a long time and being cold – it’s something I try my best to avoid)

On my desk (at work):

• A tiered file/paper holder that makes it look like I use stationery
• A pen/pencil/eraser holder that also makes it appear as though I use stationery
• A USB-powered coffee mug heater / holder (a very nifty gift from a close friend)
• A hard drive – or three hard drives (because of what I do, I am constantly transferring data)
• A camera (which I use, sometimes, for mini shoots. It takes up a lot of space, so I usually leave it on the extra half of another desk which I begged for and finally got)
• Coffee (because, well, coffee)

Like I said, quite an odd one to write about. I hate clutter and unnecessary stuff because it makes me feel claustrophobic, which is why this little list is… quite little.

The initiators of this month-long writing challenge tweeted the following a few days ago:

So, spectacularly random topic or not, that's exactly what I'm going to do until Day 31 :-)

DAY 21: UTTER RANDOMNESS

Colour key: green = utterly random

The last 12 months of living alone have been filled with utterly random moments that take me (often unpleasantly) by surprise. There are of course the bigger certainties that we’re well aware of before signing that first lease: paying triple the amount of rent that seems reasonable, getting used to going out less, spending Saturday mornings washing dishes instead of sleeping in and, of course, feeding yourself or flirting with malnutrition.

These are all certainties, so they hardly took me by surprise. But there are a bunch of smaller, random chores and events that take place just after you move out that leave you feeling upset, angry, unprepared, frustrated, tangled, in pain and sometimes, all-out mortified.

Like the first time I used a washing machine unaided. Even though I had been surrounded by these machines for over 20 years, I never really took note, but I was convinced that a single wash couldn’t possibly exceed 30 minutes. So that first time, when the machine was still at it over an hour later, I frantically stopped it, fearing an explosion - naturally, I spent the next 20 minutes wringing out a sopping wet load of washing by hand.

Then, there was the case of the blocked drain. Few things invite me to barf more readily than a blocked drain. My first thought was that I needed a plumber immediately. Thank goodness I Googled it first, and a R38 can of Caustic Soda later, this one turned out to be an easy fix. Cleaning the inside of a microwave and a fridge was rather random, and that piece of counter under the microwave regularly haunts me (spending another 5 minutes to clean it as regularly as the rest of the countertop rarely seems worth it). But these pale in comparison to taking down heavy curtains to have them washed, and then replacing them – that ordeal was beyond bleak.

I’ve also done some astonishingly dumb, embarrassing and random things over the past year, and these all fall into the ‘all-out mortified’ category. The first one was attempting to put a mini oven/stove into a cupboard whilst standing on a stool – the fact that I am still here to share the tale with you is a miracle. The fact that the oven is still here, in one piece, is even more of a miracle.

There was also the night after 11pm when I stood on a stool (clearly the common denominator when it comes to my dumb moments) that was balanced on a table, to change the bulb of the patio light, and all of it in the howling wind and rain.

And I can’t not mention the time, just before I bought a couch, where I needed to measure the width of the limited space I had available. Without a tape measure or even a ruler in sight, I used my 1,66m frame in a horizontal position, face-down, to measure the space available. If I were as tall as a regularly sized person, I might have come up with the wrong measurement entirely because I would have had to manoeuvre myself into a semi-foetal position. Still, my measurements turned out to be very accurate, and I even got over my fear of instruction manuals by assembling the couch myself.

For all their randomness and for all the frustration they’ve caused, I’m still thankful for these little foibles that mark life in your 20s. After all, thanks to that thing called trial and error, I have a couch that can comfortably be sat on, a drain that’s not holding on to anything and a far more trusting relationship with my washing machine.