The Mighty King Steer burger

There’s something mystical about the ‘ultimate’ option on every menu. At Spur, it may be something like the 1kg rack of ribs. And I’m sure that even Ocean Basket has a platter-for-1 option that would threaten to drain the sea life from the Waterfront Harbour.

These are menu options that make normally-sized people uneasy, uncomfortable and a little bit sweaty. We just don’t order them, choosing instead to go for the ‘middling’ burger or steak without compromising our bank account balances or our dignity.

But last night, I conquered the mystery of the Steers Mighty King Steer burger. It’s somewhat hidden on the Steer menu and many people I spoke to were blithely unaware that you could buy a burger with two buns which somehow manage to contain three patties and three slices of cheese. At R61, it’s extremely expensive (by the way, that R61 buys you the burger only). No fries and no cooldrink are included. Obviously, Steers believes that after consuming this particular burger, such extras are completely redundant, and potentially dangerous.

Anyway, I ordered the burger at the Rondebosch Steers and patiently waited for the monster to be prepared. When it was done, it was packed into a regular Steers brown paper bag and accompanied by a regular serviette and a regular slip. There were no warning signs to indicate the magnitude of this purchase. Think of it as the BMW M5 (it looks a lot like a 535i, but will kill you if you press the accelerator down with the same force as you would in the 535i). The question was, would this burger kill me too?

So, there I was, 15 minutes later, home and removing the monster from its packaging. The first thing I noticed was that the single slice of tomato slid right out of the awesome specimen and landed, with minimal resistance, into the box – it seems that this burger rejects everything that doesn't come in threes.

While it looked and felt heavier than a ‘regular’ King Steer, the appearance of it wasn’t quite as terrifying as expected. But that first bite… this thing tasted unbelievably good! It was everything a Steer burger has always been, but just much more.

And while I did try to get away with one complete bite (from the top to the bottom of the burger), this wasn’t physically possible – and I don’t think it was ever meant to be. Another impracticality arose when trying to keep the burger and its contents contained as I devoured it. This required slightly more hand-eye coordination than one would usually be accustomed to when eating, with a level of difficulty that ranks alongside consuming a bony piece of snoek or a Bona masala steak gatsby.

A couple of minutes later, I had managed to finish the entire burger without foaming at the mouth or needing to call ADT, and there it was – done. While I did feel full, I can’t say that I felt stuffed. In terms of taste, this extreme burger delivered, but I couldn’t justify the extra expense over a King Steer. It isn’t THAT extreme.

So, like the golden circle experience at the Rihanna concert a few weeks ago, the Might King Steer was an unknown that just had to be investigated. And like the Rihanna concert, this too was an experience that had its moments without quite living up to my lofty expectations. Does it mean you shouldn’t give the Might King Steer a go at least once in your life? Of course not.