DAY 26: FRIENDS

I remember a time in my life when friendships were extremely hard work.

A failed friendship, or a breakdown in a particular friendship, was a personal failure as well. I derided and blamed myself badly when these breakdowns occurred, and often went to bed riddled with guilt and regret. On the other hand, when things were going well, they were going inexplicably well – happy friendships and relationships seemed to be all I needed to get by.

Ten years later, the dynamic has shifted considerably. As teenagers and even as very young adults, we’re such incomplete souls – we don’t really have a clue of what we want, so by default we go with the flow and follow the haphazard, hit-or-miss paths of our friends. We engage in activities we think we should, go to places we’re convinced we have to and even have entire conversations that we feel compelled to indulge in… until that beautiful, cathartic day when we begin doing and saying what we truly want to and what we truly believe in.

Sometimes, it’s a shift that takes you quite by surprise. Sometimes, it comes gradually. But there is a definite transformation that takes place where you’re no longer defined by the needs and wants of your friends, but by your own needs and wants (now that you can actually see them with clarity).

This transformation, universally known as growing up, will see you drifting away from friendships that previously seemed indestructible. It’s not to say that those you drift from have not grown up, but rather, you’ve both grown apart.

At the same time, you’ll find yourself attracting and being drawn to very different types of people, types that you probably would have disregarded because they didn’t fit your mould.

To go back to my point right at the start… friendships used to be hard work because I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted. I was working overtime at connections that fundamentally clashed with who I was. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I have all the answers now either, but I have a heightened sense of intuition that I trust. It lets me know when I’m happy and when I’m not. It lets me know when I’m being appreciated, listened to, comforted and invested in – and of course, when I willingly invest as well.

The end result of growing up and finding yourself is that you’re usually left with a treasured group of friends that truly listen when you speak (to me, it’s a priceless gift to have someone listen, and not just hear you). You’re comfortable enough to bicker with these friends with the knowledge that you still love one another when voices are no longer raised. You’re comfortable and secure enough to know that just because you haven’t seen one another for a little while, the connection is still as it should be.

Friendships do require work, effort and commitment. But hard, grinding, constant exertion? Nope. Insincerity? Scepticism? Definitely not.

Hallelujah to growing older, knowing what it is that you want and finding some incredible friends to share it all with.

Day 12: What makes me laugh more than anything else is...

I am a firm believer in laughter, and lots of it. I’m talking about laughter at others, laughter at myself, laughter when it’s inappropriate and laughter that physically hurts.

It’s why, when it comes to my choice in movies, I gravitate towards what many consider ‘lame, formulaic’ romcoms. It’s why I once started a blog which was dedicated to bits and pieces of life I found hilarious (you can see that particular blog right here: http://pointandlaugh1.blogspot.com/). It’s why I bought a book called Dim Wit, The Funniest, Stupidest Things Ever Said.

 My belief in the importance of laughter is also why, when a colleague said something ridiculous in the office a few years ago, I wrote it down – I wanted to remember it and share it with others. Yes, part of me writing it down was to humiliate my colleague / friend, but a bigger part was to bring about a sense of togetherness and happiness amongst a bigger group. Writing down just that one foible started what’s affectionately known as ‘the list’, which has grown to 25 pages and 423 wacky entries. I usually share the latest contributions to the list on a Friday afternoon, when everyone needs a little something to make it to 5pm.

Before I say anything else, a key to enjoying laughter (and to laughing at others) is to be able to laugh at yourself. And be it my vertically challenged frame, my lisp (words – or should I say ‘word’, without the horrid ‘s’ - can’t describe how much I hate my lisp) or my choice in music, I recognize my oddities and eccentricities enough to occasionally admit they’re, well, a bit odd.

All of which brings me to what makes me laugh more than anything else. Quite frankly, this is easy – my friends make me laugh more than anyone else. We’ve got a relationship, my guard is let down when I’m around them and we have shared history to draw from. The saying “those you love the most can hurt you the most” is absolutely true when it comes to laughter too, because at no time am I gasping for air during laughter more than with my friends. And now, I’d like to introduce you to some of them…

Disclaimer: the names below are not those of my real friends, in order to protect their identities. The descriptions of who they are and why they make me laugh more than anyone else, well, those are free of fabrication.

Sebastian is crude, harsh and sometimes plain vulgar.  He doesn’t motion towards – as much as gawk and scream – at the old lady with the mismatched socks. I try my best to reign him in and call him out for his bad behaviour, but Sebastian is still Sebastian. And yet, his crudeness always leaves me smiling – and laughing. There’s an honesty there that’s second to none. And while we’re being honest, why DOES that old lady have mismatched socks?

Natalie is smart, colourful and her heart is always in the right place. Why is it then, that Natalie can’t help but humiliate herself with countless Freudian slips of the tongue? What was a normal conversation always turns into a bizarre, raucous outburst of laughter, following another of Natalie’s disastrous spoonerisms. I love Natalie.

Zachary and I have a friendship that stretches back many, many years. And as much as we’ve changed and matured (good Lord, I hope so), every now and then we slip into a nostalgic mood that sees us erupt at the most inane, mindless events of years gone by. They can’t be explained to anyone else, and so we are forced to enjoy them alone, in our confidential bubble of madness (a bubble that eventually bursts when Zachary shrieks). Zachary and I also poke fun at each other relentlessly, and I swear upon his fat ass that we will never stop doing so.

Then, we have Alice. Colleague and friend, she is easily offended by crass statements, itself a reason to laugh because she is not excused from the odd crass statement herself. Alice has crazy eyes, and like Natalie, she has an outrageously audible laugh. Often, the laugh itself is reason for the rest of us to join in, whether we’ve heard the joke or not. (Oh, Alice and I can also communicate without speaking, which is fantastic.)

Finally, I introduce to you Stella. Stella is not in Cape Town right now, but even in her absence, Zachary and I have a bank of hysterical Stella memories to draw from as a source of laughter. Well educated, opinionated, confident and independent, Stella’s angry face when she is not included in a conversation – or doesn’t get it – is endearing. She once whispered something to someone across the table, but concealed the wrong side of her face, so her lips were clearly visible. I really love Stella.

I love my friends, I really do. I love being around people who can laugh at and with each other, free of malice and genuinely cruel intentions. Nothing brings a smile to my face, a sharp pain to my belly and happier tears to my eyes than my friends.