Day 11: 1 Food, 1 Drink, For The Rest Of My Life

Let’s hypothesize, for a moment, that I could survive on just one type of food and drink for the rest of my life without fatal health consequences. I suppose water would keep me alive in terms of adequate hydration, but just one type of food to fulfil all my nutritional needs? I doubt such a food exists, but perhaps some brave dietician or vegan out there may want to correct me.

So, based purely on how long I can keep the activation of my gag reflex at bay, I have to go with the pairing of Woolies Cherry Juice and Biltong, because:

None of my other favourite foods would do. As much as I like a good steak fillet, I usually don’t want one for a few days after my last. Butter chicken is fantastic, but more than three consecutive servings of it? And even though the sight of a good malva pudding is reason enough to throw a small party, it just doesn’t work without custard, which would mean illegally adding in another type of food. In terms of drinks, that much coffee or red wine would surely have me hallucinating and dead, respectively.

I’ve never gotten tired of eating biltong. I’ve never snacked on it and felt like it was time to stop. I’ve never not wanted a piece of biltong. I’ve never walked past a biltong store without peering longingly inside (and clutching onto my wallet a little bit more tightly while doing so).

There are many different types of biltong. Droëwors, spicy, moist, dry, snapsticks, sliced. I’d technically be able to eat something ‘different’ every day.

Biltong is convenient. I’d be able to carry my meals around with me easily, which is just as well, considering how many trips I’d be making to and from the hospital to have my intestines unclogged.

Woolies Cherry Juice is the perfect compliment to biltong. I find that the Woolies juices aren’t too thick, too artificial or too sweet. They’re hydrating and refreshing, which I’d no doubt need when consuming that much meat.

Even all of these ‘plus points’ considered, I imagine that being restricted to just one food and one drink would be a horrible experience. More than keeping us healthy and alive, it’s the variety in what we eat and drink that adds to our happiness, and as magnificent as biltong is, I’d very soon be fantasizing about fresh fruit, warm tea, Cadbury’s wholenut slabs and of course, my malva pudding and custard.

PS: So, no jokes, but this cup of tea I've been drinking as I wrote this started tasting gradually better. Isn't it amazing how the mind is so powerful that it can increase the strength of something as complex as our sense of taste, without any tangible stimulation?

Day 4: I just couldn't live without...

There are a bunch of things I could think of that I couldn’t live without, but one that I quite literally couldn’t live without is food, glorious food.

But it’s also about the right food at the right time. For example, even the warmest, most nutritious bowl of mom’s lovely vegetable soup just isn’t going to do the trick on a summer’s day in December.

These are some of the scenarios and corresponding foods which, when paired, make life worth living:

SCENARIO: 2AM IN THE MORNING, WHEN UTTERLY PARCHED

IDEAL FOOD/DRINK: COCA-COLA

Okay, so it’s a drink, not a food. But there is nothing as satisfying as a glass of ice cold, just-opened Coca-Cola to appease a serious thirst. Cold Stoney Ginger Beer is a close runner-up.

SCENARIO: MID-GEARCHANGE SNACKING

IDEAL FOOD: BILTONG

There are few scenarios as grim as driving home, starving, to either cook a meal or to be able to attack the dinner you’ve just bought, its aroma consuming every last bit of empty space in your car’s interior. This is the perfect opportunity to snack on some biltong, preferably droewors.

Not only is biltong always good – and I mean always – but it takes a while to chew just one piece, leaving you free to attend to more important matters, like changing lanes, gears and the angle of your rear-view mirror. Plus, it’ll keep your hunger at bay until you get home.

SCENARIO: MID-MORNING MUNCHIES

IDEAL FOOD: DRIED FRUIT PIECES

So, you’re chuffed that you’ve packed in the perfect lunch and you know you’ll be the talk of the office at 12h30pm. But you recklessly forgot that you first need to make it to lunchtime without collapsing (and preferably without wasting money on a R22 muffin).

Here, you can’t go wrong with a few pieces of dried fruit. They are healthy, need no preparation, fill you up just enough to keep you going, and because they don’t make raucous crackling noises while you eat them, you can enjoy them inconspicuously, without colleagues noticing (which means you don’t have to offer anyone). SCORE.

SCENARIO: DINNER AT THE PARENTS’

IDEAL FOOD: A STEW

It’s quite an odd thing, this. You probably recall stews being pretty ordinary and ‘standard’ when you stayed at home. I mean, nobody ever celebrates the arrival of a stew on their plate as they do a sizzling steak fillet.

But once you’ve moved out, that stew is all you want. You can only eat so many Woolies chicken steaklets before craving that good ol' homemade taste that only your mom’s stew can provide. It’s hard to pick just one, but nothing really beats a belly-warming tomato stew.

I could go on forever, but I have a cupcake on my desk that needs consuming. (Cupcakes don’t really need specific scenarios to be fully enjoyed, so I would recommend eating them whenever and wherever you can.)

I’ll leave you all with this profoundly accurate mantra, usually spoken in unison in the office, just after lunchtime starts: “it’s good to eat, ya’ll”

The (Average) Food and Wine Show

There is a sickness infecting all of us on social media. We post pictures and videos of ourselves at events that seem like ‘the place to be’ or ‘all the rage’, and often, we post these pictures before we’ve taken in the experience as a whole. It’s only when we get home that we realise that the event we attended and splurged about online was, in retrospect, rather average.

Yesterday, I posted this picture of myself and my colleague, Tracey Bruton, at the Good Food and Wine Show at the CTICC:

While we enjoyed each other’s company (you know how much I love you, Tracey), it must be said that this picture represents a degree of false advertising! The event was not as spectacularly good fun as the picture may make it out to be, and here are a few reasons why a ‘good’ show was merely an ‘average’ one:

THE FOOD:

Okay, so it wasn’t all bad. Tracey had a biltong pie that was delicious, and I bought some individually well-priced chocolates and ostrich biltong. But overall, I just didn’t feel wowed by the food on display. Too much of it looked too normal, and there are a variety of markets dotted around Cape Town that offer cheaper, tastier and more interesting choices – plus, you get to forgo the R125 entrance fee.

THE SETTING:

The CTICC is a great venue when it comes to hosting large-scale conferences and even artistic events such as the Design Indaba. With these, walking on carpeted floors that remind you of your office at work isn’t a problem.

But when you come to what is purported to be a world-class food and wine show, the clinical environment just doesn’t taste that good. Typical food markets are homely, inviting, smell good and make you feel like you’re in your kitchen – just a much, much larger version of it, of course. I didn’t get the sense that I was at a food show until half of my freshly baked cheese stick unintentionally ended up all over my face.

A LACK OF SMALLER FOOD OPTIONS / TASTERS:

The joy of wine tasting as an activity is being able to sample several different types of wine, experiencing several different sensations, without having so much that you’ll end up crashing into the nearest vineyard on the way home. Similarly, I expected to be able to sample many different types of foods at the Good Food and Wine Show without needing to stuff myself to the brim at the first stall I came across.

The problem was, most stalls were selling large meals in excess of 45 bucks. I knew that if I bought just one, I wouldn’t have the option of trying out something else that looked good later because I’d just be too full. I expected far more flirtatious tastings of many different foods, without having to commit to a long-term and monogamous digestion process with a giant, gourmet cheeseburger. 

THE COST:

R125 to get in, R30 for a wine glass and a few wine-tasting vouchers and R50 for one meal. That’s without mentioning the expensive kitchen equipment for sale (I saw a Jamie Oliver dish that could probably accommodate a small bag of Jelly Tots for R105, after which I needed a tot of something strong myself).

It all amounts to a very expensive outing.

The cherry on top – or should I say the microscopic piece of shredded chicken at the bottom – was that I was sold two ‘chicken’ spring rolls that were overflowing with nothing but vegetables.

Sure, I had fun (thanks to my food partner and a tasty cooking class at the Sea Harvest stand...) and was happy to have attended a show devoted to two of my loved ones, but this really was a rather average show and I felt just a little bit guilty about posting a smiling picture of myself at an event that didn’t set my taste buds – or any of my remaining four senses - on fire. So, at least I’ve set the record straight!

Here’s hoping that a show with all the potential in the world truly lives up to its name in 2015.